one of the most vindicating moments of my existence was watching Garak’s first episode with my (non-shipping and non-trekkie) boyfriend (who had seen the first couple episodes prior to this). his INSTANTANEOUS reaction was “holy shit I thought you were exaggerating”
when Julian was being weird about Garak potentially being after state secrets, he yelled “your DICK is NOT A STATE SECRET” at the screen
i have run out of emotion and am making up for it with long meandering phrasing to communicate simple concepts to sort of. translate the reactions i might otherwise have had
I’m not sure if this might also resonate but for me it feels like I’m the camera in a video game. I can see things happening around me but I don’t feel like I’m a part of the shared existence of them, or that they are physically, tangibly real.
yeah that’s a really good way of putting it too, damn
i experience it a couple ways. the way i’ve described it that resonates best with people is that i don’t really have a grasp on myself as an individual with discrete traits and more like….. a floating awareness. in that sense i tend to feel distance, or like. padding, from physical experiences and emotions, which is convenient because it means i have a pretty decent pain tolerance i guess
the other way is i sort of….. cancel out for spaces of time, and i may or may not be aware during them in some kind of way but usually i just have no memory of whatever happened during that time. this used to happen sometimes when i was driving and it was pretty worrying. it also happens in briefer windows while people are talking to me and i find myself responding with no idea what has just been said. or i find myself in a different place with no recollection how i got there or why. my memory is pretty bad anyway but this does not exactly help. i also have problems recognising myself? like i recognise my face but not as mine exactly. it tends to surprise me by only moving when i do. my mother used to tease me about being vain cause i’d stare at my reflection all the time.
i hope that helps? i’m not really an expert on it so all i can really do is describe my own experiences that seem to me to fit the bill
now that the power’s back i have nothing concrete to complain about but i’m still pretty out of sorts
good thing i have nothing to do today at least. i don’t think i could do anything significant.
POWER’S BACK THANK GOD
update: the benefit of a gas stove is that I can light it manually. tea is totally accessible. thank god for small miracles
Mostly I just want some goddamn tea
Apparently the problem is pg&e being incompetent at consolidated bank accounts
Times like this I wouldn’t mind being in on the agreement so I could just. Call them myself
I woke up and the power was out. good morning world
i am not going to bed but i am removing myself from tumblr because i am too keyed up and every single thing anyone posts about is aggravating it. how dare other people have things to say. i resent everyone for existing good night
spotify literally played the same horrible audible.com ad twice in a row i guess that’s a sign that i’m not meant to listen to any more rihanna tonight
I had coffee to get through class and I am full of regret
i have showered and shaved and eaten one meal and that’s it, i’m done, someone please carry me to class because i cannot accomplish any more physical tasks today